Women's Center

Childbirth

Support after the loss of your child

We Share Your Grief
We are sorry about the death of your baby. Leaving the hospital without your baby is one of the most painful experiences you can have. Many emotions are probably flooding your mind right now. We know it is sometimes difficult to remember all that people tell you while you are grieving. So we have prepared this information to help our patients learn how to deal with the loss of a child.

Remembrances
As you are saying goodbye to your baby, we encourage you, whenever possible, to touch or hold the baby. It is also helpful to name the baby as this may help you to say goodbye. We may take footprints and pictures of your baby as remembrances for you. You may take the mementos home with you.

Dealing with Your Grief
We know that your baby has touched you deeply, and that the loss is devastating. As with any other death, grief is a normal, healthy response, and the repression of that grief is unnatural. We want you to know that you are not alone in your grief.

There are common reactions many people have after suffering such a loss. These phases of grieving are not necessarily experienced in any specific order. You might experience one feeling one moment and another totally different one the next. Grief is like a roller coaster ride, with many ups and downs which cannot be controlled.

There are different phases of grieving and phases can come in any order, length, and degree. No two people grieve the same. Even when you think you have come to a full acceptance of your situation, these feelings can reoccur, reminding you that grieving is a continuous process. These stages include:

Four Phases of Grieving Characteristics
Shock and Numbness
Short attention span Concentration difficulties Impaired decision-making Disbelief	Denial Time confusion Failure to accept reality
Searching and Yearning
Sensitive to stimuli Anger/Guilt Restless/impatient Dreams Testing what is real Sighing Blurred vision Resentment Bitterness Time conclusion	Irritability Weight gain/ loss Sleep difficulties Obsession to get pregnant again Palpitation Preoccupation with the deceased Lack of strength Headaches Aching arms
Disorientation
Think "I'm going crazy" Social withdrawal Disorganized Forgetful Awareness of reality Depressed Guilt Difficulty in concentration	Anorexia Weight gain/loss Sense of failure Sadness Exhaustion Feel ill Lack of energy Insomnia
Reorganization / Resolution
Sense of release Renewed energy Eating and sleeping habits re-established	Able to make decisions Able to laugh and smile again

< t o p >

Feelings
Probably the most difficult aspect of the death of a baby is what happens after you get home. It is important to talk about these feelings.

Shock and Denial
Your first feelings after your loss will probably be one of disbelief, perhaps a numbness or haziness as if the whole thing happened to someone else. It may seem that you are in the middle of a bad dream and cannot wake up. Denial can take the form of feeling or the pretending that everything is just fine. When you are back in familiar surroundings of home, the sense of loss will be more real, the reminders that the baby is missing will be more obvious. You may find it difficult to settle back into your usual routine. Don't worry about this. The adjustment will take time and it usually isn't helpful to busy yourself in an effort to forget the baby.

Disappointment and Sadness
You may feel an overwhelming sense of sadness and depression which could last for weeks or months. The reality of postpartum depression is often forgotten in this context. There is no baby, no happy visitors with gifts and attention, no approval, no fuss. Your excitement and hopes have been crushed. You may feel that you have failed, or that you are a disappointment to yourself, your mate, your friends, and your family. You may feel a terrible sense of loneliness, isolation and emptiness.

Tears honor both yourself and your baby. You may be afraid to cry because you feel it will make others uncomfortable or that if you start crying you may not be able to stop. Give yourself permission to cry. Tears can be a soothing release. No one else has ever felt exactly the way you do, and no one else could possible understand how you feel. However, this sense of emotional loss is universal, normal and expected following the loss of a baby.

Anger

"Why has this happened to me?"
"I've done all the right things."
"How could God have let this happen?"
Anger often follows denial and sadness.

Life is not fair and we sense it ought to be. Whether or not there is a satisfactory medical reason for the death, you will still feel angry and hurt. You may pass your anger onto your spouse or family just because they are there. You may be angry at the medical community because they seemed to lack effective methods of preventing or "fixing" the situation. You may be angry at God and feel that He is punishing you. Feeling angry can be healthy and normal at this time. Sharing your anger is healing, and you may even discover a new perspective to your feelings when you put them into words.

< t o p >

Guilt
A very common feeling after the death of a baby is guilt. Both parents may go over every detail of the pregnancy and birth to find real or imagined causes for the tragedy. You can spend hours, days or even years thinking of reasons why you are to blame. When these feelings occur, it is comforting to some parents to be realistic and say to themselves, "I know I would have done anything in the world, gone to any length or trouble or pain to have made this child be healthy."

You may even feel guilty for grieving over the loss of your newborn as compared to another person whose loss seems greater. The fact is that grief cannot be measured or compared. What you feel is your own. There is no such thing as a "wrong" feeling. It is not wrong to feel guilty, but it can be unproductive if you stay stuck on guilt and self-punishment. This uses energy that you need for other things right now. Use your guilt positive, constructive manner to ask questions and find realities.

Your Response to Feelings
We encourage you to accept all the feelings discussed above, as well as others you may have, as unique and normal. Each of us deals with grief differently. You may find yours withdrawing from people and going into a protective shell for a while. There are times such quiet retreat, yet too much reaching in can invite depression. You may need to realize it is time to reach out to other people for understanding and support. Tell people what you need. It is important to share your feelings with someone who will listen without telling you how to feel. Hopefully, this will be a person who can be available when you want to talk. Talk about your experience and about your feelings. Grief shared is grief diminished. Talking about your loss and your grief can allow you to see how it affected your lfie.

What Can You Do to Help Yourself
No parent should have to go through this experience alone. Actively seek support from people around you. Talk openly and freely with your spouse. Seek out others to talk to who have had a similar experience. Talking to someone can help you air issues that you might not be able to resolve with your loved ones or by yourself. Grief work is indeed work, and you will need the support of others who care.

It is unavoidable that a woman whose baby has died will want to cry, to talk about the event, and to call forth whatever limited memories that exist of her child. Not to do this is to deny the significance of the death and extends the grieving process. Mourning an unsuccessful pregnancy does not end when you are discharged from the hospital. Be open to your needs; pamper yourself by eating right and getting plenty of rest. You may also find it comforting to have some form of remembrance dedicated to your baby. The following are some suggestions on how to deal with the loss of a child:

•  plant a tree
•  plant flowers in the backyard
•  engrave a plaque or symbol of your baby with his or her name
•  wear a charm
•  contribute to a special cause
•  have the baby's birth stone set in a ring
•  plan a special service or memorial
•  light a candle on special occasions in remembrance of your baby
•  write a poem dedicated to your baby

< t o p >

If You Have Other Children
Although your initial instinct may be to "protect" or "shelter" your children from the sadness of life, most professionals agree that one should be open and honest with children about death. A simple statement about the baby being dead, as soon as possible after it happens, may be difficult to say, but allowing your own sadness to show and sharing these feelings with your children can be a meaningful experience for all of you. No matter how young your other children are, they need to know about this loss.

If you children are quite young, they may not know what "dead" is; they may not have seen anyone or anything that they defined as dead. Reminding them of fading flowers, a dead animal seen in the yard or road, or another experience with death may help them to understand what dead means. One can also remind them what living means, such as breathing, talking, walking, eating, etc. and tell them that dead means the absence of these signs of life. Death should not be referred to as sleeping since this may lead to sleep disturbances in the child. Death should not be linked too strongly with illness, as this may lead to fearfulness or panic if a minor illness develops in the child or another family member. The child may indeed need reassuring that he/she is well. The first illness following the death may be especially stressful. Many children may need to know or will ask about what will happen to the body of the infant. If a funeral is planned, explain the need for burial or cremation because of the decomposition.

Many children will want to know why the death occurred. Again, simple honest statements will be helpful to your child, but if the reasons are unclear, with your children, but be cautious in telling children that "God took the baby to Heaven because He loved and/or needed the baby more than we did". This can cause resentment against God or a conflict in the child's mind about being loved by God.

Another point that should be stressed is that no family member could have caused or prevented the death by their actions, thoughts or wishes. This is especially important if the infant was unplanned or unwanted by any family member. Young children believe that wishes are powerful and may believe that they or another family member caused this infant's death.

The reaction of your child to the death will depend to some extent on his/her age. A wide range of responses is normal, from incessantly talking about the death to a refusal to speak of it at all. Preschoolers will view death as temporary because the concept of permanent is quite sophisticated. Gently indicating that the baby will not come back is sufficient; when the child is older, understanding will come. Preschool and younger school age children may develop fears, which grow out of fantasies about their own, or their parent's death. Because openly dealing with strong emotions is difficult for this age group, they may deal with them piecemeal over a long time through their questions, in dreams and in their play. You should let them set the pace, listen lovingly to what they have to say, and answer all questions simply and honestly.

Pre-teens and teenagers will have a somewhat more adult view of death and grieve much the way you will. They understand the permanence of death, but may need to deal with issues of why it happened. Children of all ages will grieve and must be allowed to do so to relieve the feelings generated by the loss of a family member. Because of their stage of psychological development, adolescent girls may have an especially difficult time dealing with the death of the infant. They may feel a considerable amount of anxiety and/or anger about this happening.

Months or years after the death, children may need to re-think the event through and begin again to question you regarding their brother or sister's death. Any major event in a youngster's life is commonly reworked in adolescence, for instance. Later questioning and reworking these issues is part of growth and development, and should be viewed as normal.

< t o p >

Support Group
At BAPTIST HEALTH Medical Center - Little Rock there is a support group of parents and caring staff members who meet monthly. It is an opportunity for parents to come and share their concerns and experiences with other parents who have also experienced a loss. All meetings are open to parents who have experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, ectopic pregnancy, or neonatal death and seek guidance on how to deal with the loss of a child. We encourage you to attend with your spouse or partner, family member, grandparent or close friend. There is no charge for the meetings and parents may attend as often as desired. Children are not encouraged to attend.

SHARE is the largest perinatal bereavement support group in the country. Meetings are free and open to all. SHARE parent support group meetings are always on Thursday at 7:30 pm in the Health Management Center on the Mezzanine level at BAPTIST HEALTH Medical Center - Little Rock. All are on the 4th Thursday except for November and December when it is held on the 3rd Thursday.

Please call the Women's and Children's Services Education office at (501) 202-1717 for further information.

With compassion and time you will survive. You will have other good things in your life in the future. These sad memories will become a part of your life with which you can cope.